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21 November 2011 @ 06:06 am
So my ex started talking to me again since shit didn't work out with his ex. Of course he'd come running back to me and he told me when we were together I was too clingy and I explained to him that I realized that since I was still in love with my ex, no relationship was ever good enough and I didn't realize that until after we broke up and I fixed it and now I'm over my ex I was in love with. Well of course, he wasn't too happy about that but we got passed it. And we got to talking more and he was saying how he wanted me to lay with him so he could rub my back and I was like oh okay, just no sex, but why me? And he was like blah blah don't be a cunt. And I was like I'm not, I'm just wondering why me when you could do the same with someone else plus more. And he was like maybe I just want to hold you. Then we talked about other things and I said something about how things would be different if we were still together now seeing as how I'm over my ex and he was like are you hinting at something like you wanna get back with me? And I was like no, I was just saying that it'd be different. That's all. And he started talking about something concerning us being together and I was like Are YOU hinting at something involving us being back together? And he was like haha you've got to stop. And I was like Lol I'm not doing anything but what do you think I'm doing and he's like stop playing dumb, I hate that shit. And I was like how am I playing dumb? I honestly don't know what the hell you're on about. And he was like goodnight. And now he won't reply to me.

what a dick.
17 November 2011 @ 12:38 pm
I should try to sleep.. I haven't slept in nearly 24 hours and I'm not really tired, but it's always good to sleep.
17 November 2011 @ 12:22 pm

That all I really need is something to keep my mind busy. Apart from, ya know, my family.
Everything else just seems so pointless to me.

Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
Current Music: Anchors (acoustic) - Secret and Whisper
12 November 2011 @ 04:38 pm
1. How do you define your asexuality?
Well, I see myself as grey-aromantic because I'm more aromantic than I am romantic. From time to time I wouldn't mind holding hands or cuddling. Very rarely do I desire kisses and I don't really have a desire for a relationship, but if it happens, that's okay.
2. Are you out? If so, has that caused you problems? What was coming out like for you?
I'm very much out. The problems its caused are mainly the common people making up excuses for it and trying to change it. People degrade me by saying no one will ever want to be with me blah blah. But it was easy coming out. I'm proud of my asexuality.
3. Do you have any fears, specifically as an asexual person?
I fear falling in love with someone that doesn't respect, understand, and/or care for my asexuality.
4. How did you figure out that you were asexual?
I always knew I wasn't sexually attracted to anyone. I thought it was just normal (not that it isn't?)and never thought anything of it until I was put into a few sexual positions and it did nothing for me except make me uncomfortable and want for it to stop. I had previous suspected that I was asexual but after a certain night, I became more positive. I started reading other peoples experiences as asexuals and all and I completely understood and it felt right.
5. Do you have an asexual role-model? Who? Why?
Nah, not really.
6. How do you feel about romance? What about dating outside of the asexual community, i.e. a sexual person?
Romance, I'll go for it to an extent if I really care for the person and it's what they want. Not because I have the desire for it. It just wouldn't bother me considering there's an emotional connection.
Other than that, I don't want any romantic affection from people. I've only dated people outside the asexual community and well, none of those relationships wroked out. Quite a few due to my asexuality.
7. How connected do you, personally, feel to the queer community? What have your experiences, if any, been like with them?
I have had and still do have many gay/lesbian/transgender etc friends but I've never really connected to the queer community. Where I live, they don't acknowledge asexuals really. 
8. What are your pet peeves that people bring up when you are discussing sexuality/asexuality?
People telling me that I'm just scared and I can't know that I'm not interested in it if I've never had it.
It's like you're a straight male. How to you know you're straight if you've never had sex with a man?
I'm pretty sure people know if they're sexually attacted or not and who.
9. What are some of the best and worst experiences you’ve had with peoples’ opinions of asexuality?
Best: The support I've gotten from the asexual community and their comfort really means a lot to me. My mom has accepted it. She pulls the "someday you'll meet the right person" card sometimes but other than that, she's very understanding about it. 
Worse: Lol well since people that like me dislike my asexuality, I get fucked over a lot and told it's the only thing "wrong" with me and cheated on and torn down. People I don't even know will tell me no one will ever want me if they can't have sex with me and I'm not normal.
10. Do you see yourself in a committed relationship eventually? Are you in one now? Do you even want one? Have you given up?
Right now? No. But that doesn't mean it won't ever happen. As far as wanting, well whatever happens, happens. I'm not looking for anything.
11. Are you sex-positive? What does that mean to you?
Personally, I'm completely repulsed by sex. But yes, I am sex-positive. If people want to have sex in their relationship or outside a relationship, that's their business. I don't want them downing me for not wanting sex, so I don't down them for having it. To each their own.
12. What sort of future do you want for asexuals, in terms of visibility, laws, etc?
Awareness. More people actually understanding the concept.
13. Is there anything in particular that you want me to educate the group on? Anything that I missed in this questionnaire, keeping in mind that it will be largely an overview with Q&A and discussion after?

My ex was telling me about how "he doesn't want to be trapped in this prison he calls life" anymore.
Then what does he say to me? "Think about it like this. You live your life meaningless other than for the simple joys, every day you live your life in pain, and when cold weather comes around it gets worse, and the natural thing that helps is illegal."

That really got me. So I stopped babying him about it all and snapped:
"Sweety, I hate to be such a bitch about it but being nice is therapist talk to you and you won't listen.. Lee, give your life meaning. Stop looking at everything bad about life. Also, I have a fourteen year old cousin and every doctor's visit she does to, they give her a little less time to live and there's not shit they can do about it. They can have surgery and give her five more years, but she refuses. Her body is turning everything into poison. Food, drinks, medicines. Her organs are failing. They're literally turning into nothing, she's dying slowly and painfully and her family has to watch that. Every goddamn time I see them, they're as happy as can be. And you're telling me you can't do that? Here's another thing for you, I can't even drink certain things without my heart hurting like a bitch. You know ever since that Maddie shit, I've been having heart pains? I can't even take certain medicines because it might kill me and while I was dying, I had this amazing father that wanted to speed up the damn process. I've wanted to kill myself since I was twelve years old and even I haven't given up. Don't you dare pull this on me. You can be happy. You can fix everything. You have to want to. I want to help you, trust me I do. Because I always tend to care way too much and you can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped but I try. You don't know how good you have it. I know this is some bull shit guilt, but open your eyes. I doubt you'll even read this."
His only reply? "I'm going to bed now."

I don't want him to feel alone, because he's not. I want him to get better, but he's not even trying. He doesn't see what is right in front of him and I wish he did.

02 November 2011 @ 04:47 am

My boyfriend and I broke up on our two month.

He says he needs some time to figure out what he wants and all but for some reason, I'm really getting the feeling he just wants to straight up mess around with other girls because I wouldn't have sex with him and he knew before we got together that I'm asexual.
I made an agreement with him that I'd try if he ever decided he loves me.
I really miss him, but I need to respect his decision. But what I don't understand is, is that he still wants to act the same with me. He just doesn't want for us to "grow" together right now. I know he wants to get back with his ex, but he won't just straight up say it. I really wish he'd be honest with me.

I don't think it's actually a relationship I want per say.

I've been thinking, I just want to know someone wants me, needs me, has a desire for me. I want to know I'm important to them and I really matter, ya know. In that kind of way. But I don't have to be a relationship with them. I mean, if they ask me out, sure. But it's not like omg I have to date them. I just want to be the one they think about before they go to sleep and the one that's on their mind, if that makes sense. Just an emotional thing, I guess. I just want someone to tell me things will be alright and to make that happen. I want love in general. Whether an actual relationship is included or not. But just because I don't have to be in a relationship with them, doesn't mean I don't want to be the only one they have eyes for. You know how on those TV shows where there's two best friends and they secretly are in love with each other and it's obvious to everyone except them, but if the other gets with someone else, they're devastated and all? And then they realize they're in love but even before then, they put each other first and would do anything for once another? Something kinda like that.. I want someone to realize how much I do for them and appreciate it. I want someone to noticed the important little things about me and to know all my little ticks. To know me better than I even know myself. A girl can hope and dream, right? 

I once experienced one of the most amazing and painful things.

I loved someone truly before. His name was Brendon and he died. That was the first real love I ever knew. And then I found out what it felt like to be in love when I met Steven. And he wants nothing to do with me. 
I could write a book on how amazing he is. 
What is it about him?
Well, lets start with his smile. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I've never wanted to see someone smile more than him. When he smiles, I smile. When he smiles, I can't help but giggle like a child and feel warm inside. When he smiles, I know I'm doing something right.
When I first heard his voice, it was all I ever wanted to hear. As often as possible I made sure it was the last thing I heard at night and the first thing I heard when I woke up. You could hear the sincerity in it and the care. You could hear his smile as clearly as you could see it. You could hear the longing when he spoke about us being together and he'd sound so cute when he was getting tired.
And he was so smart. He could tell you about anything going on in the world. He refused to take medicines, he believed in herbal treatments and he always stayed healthy as could be.
And they way he held himself together. Nothing ever really got to him, and if it did, he didn't show it. I always admired that about him until I figured, hey, maybe he wouldn't even care if I wasn't around anymore ... boy... was I right..
And the first time he told me he's in love with me. I can remember it like it was yesterday. February 15, 2011. It was the happiest moment of my life. The words I always wanted him to say to me. The only thing I wanted as much as that was for my hand to be in his.

But the last time we talked, there was no care in his voice. There was no love, no longing. No life. No smile. The first time I heard it in nearly a year and the first time we talked in six months and he didn't even know it was me until I said I love him with all my heart, so which he replied "...Brooke?" He promised  he'd talk to me that night.. Just like tomorrow never came, tonight never came either..
Love, an emotion few are fortunate and unfortunate to ever truly know.
He makes me wish I've never experienced what it's like to truly be in love. He's my only exception to everything and the only one that doesn't want to be my anything,

Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
Current Music: Let Love Bleed Red - Closer 2 Closure